Classic: Time Cube

06/03/09

9:06 PM

Gene Ray, Genius

Did you know that you are either evil or stupid or both?  Because I’m here to tell ya that those are the only options left if you don’t believe in the genius of Time Cube.  Did you know that “SICK TEACHERS ARE PAID TO TEACH YOU EVIL TO ENSLAVE YOU STUPID AND YOU NOW POSSESS AN IDIOT CYCLOPIC MENTALITY” and that “Time Cube proves a 1 face god impossible, due to 4 corner face metamorphic human – baby, child, parent and grandparent faces”? Well get with the program, dummy.

Well, perhaps you’ve heard of Time Cube.  You better have, actually.  It’s as old as the Internet itself.  But you might not have heard about it’s creator and Wisest Human on Earth, Gene Ray.  Below is a video showing his awesomeness. Be prepared to have everything he says go right over your big stupid head.  And when you dismiss him as an insane meth addict, just remember that “Ignorance of Time Cube is Greatest Evil”.

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When It Comes To Marriage,
Exclusivity = Value

05/29/09

2:19 PM

Surely you’ve heard of the National Organization for Marriage. That’s the hate group with the corporate jargon-sounding name that protects us from scary new ideas like same-sex marriage. They’re famous for their PSAs featuring bigots and their children that clear up the issues with some much-needed fearmongering. But that’s not the only resource these fuckers host.

The NOM Blog is a place where you, the rabid marriage advocate, can make sure your voice is heard. Who wouldn’t want to be in the company of these Christian soldiers as they discuss the gay agenda at work in the outcome of the Miss America pageant?

Click for some mind-blowing (but not in a gay way) examples.

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The Absolute Worst “I’m On A Boat” Parody Videos

05/28/09

11:27 PM

An unfortunate consequence of having decent popular songs and music videos is that every unfunny amateur filmmaker and songwriter with unrealistic dreams will eventually try to parody it.  It’s Newton’s fourth law of Horrible Decisions.  And unfortunately for the world, The Lonely Island’s I’m on a Boat (which is already a goddamn parody) got just a little too popular.  So the fourth law kicked in and approximately 35,000 people decided at once to upload their shitty videos to YouTube for all to see.  So here’s four, hand-picked, of the fucking absolute most terrible, awkward and cringe-worthy spoofs of I’m on a Boat that you’ll find.  (not counting the couch one that Cracked.com already ran into the ground, but that one is pretty bad)

1. I’m on a Bike

Expensive cameras and a couple of vaguely attractive women can’t save this embarrassment.  Good thing they went with the shitty imitation auto-tuner instead of the real thing.  I was worried the song might start to have some redeemable quality.  Finally, for the most baffling coup de grâce imaginable check out the end starting at 3:13 where they take the scariest one of the bunch and run her backwards in slow motion having a wet and disgusting orgasm.  Jesus.

Hit this to see the other 3 videos so you can find out why you’re not this awesome.

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Strength In Made-Up Numbers

05/27/09

5:16 PM

Prayer Beam
Folks used to say that science and spirituality were at odds with one another, and were bound to stay that way. But those days are long gone, thanks to the Spiritual Science Research Foundation. They’re taking all the smoke and mirrors out of the supernatural, and replacing them with math and science. I’ll admit that, at first, I thought it was a spoof site. I mean, I’ve seen pseudoscientific Christian apologetic websites that claimed to have all the answers before, but none featured the Scientological Lucid Dream level of creepiness of this video. I kept asking myself how exactly they could be so sure of the ’14 Planes of Existence in the Universe’, or claim with certainty that there are ’6 Basic Principles of Spiritual Practice’. But the more I focused my chi, or “chakra”, and opened my mind, leaving this whole critical-thinking trip behind, the more possibly plausible it all seemed.

Read on for more unsubstantiated bullshit.

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edarem – Taste The Insanity

05/23/09

10:44 PM

Old people scare the shit out of me.  And edarem up there is no exception.  This guy invented insanity.  That he looks like Doc Brown on acid only slightly helps his credibility.  edarem was an extremely prolific YouTuber up until a couple weeks ago, when it was discovered that he was a registered sex offender in Florida and South Carolina.  He’s since stopped uploading for what is probably fear of being persecuted or maybe investigated by his local authorities.

But really after all of that, what creeps me out the most about edarem (because to me he seems mostly harmless) is his cult-like following on YouTube, which has only gotten more intense since the discovery.  Look at the comments section of any of his videos or his channel and you’ll see post after post of blind adoration and support.  There are crazies calling for his head, but they’re few and far between.  What is it about a 70 year old guy who posts the most mundane and bizarre ponderings that makes thousands of people go just as batshit as him?

Hit this for a couple more videos that are sure to make you drop your underage pants.

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Out Of Touch Local News Site Narcs On Horny Kids

05/22/09

6:39 PM

Bloodninja Chat

I’m all about pre-marital online sex.  The more disgusting teenagers virtually groping each other the better.  So you can imagine my outrage when I was linked to this local Atlanta news article explaining the ins and outs of what is essentially sexting.  How dare they blow these poor kid’s cover and give parents everywhere an excuse to go through their phones and chat logs.

Then my outrage quickly turned into glee as I got to number 10 on the list.  And it only got more hilarious from there.  Are you FOL like me?  Well FMLTWIA and try not to be disappointed when you see that I’m Q2C and—oh, shit!  PAW and J/O!  About 80% of these are just ridiculous and made up.  Plus I’m really surprised to see the word “cum” and the phrase “is it tight?” on their site.  And if anyone actually uses these they’ll just make up new ones now.

Some suggestions:

LWGGADA — Let’s Watch Golden Girls And Do Anal

HMOS — Hollow Me Out, Sailor

RUAADBOTI…N — Are You Actually A Dude? Because One Time I… Nevermind

(found thru Fazed)

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Wacist Wednesday: Facebook Group Fights Hatred With Hatred

05/20/09

8:08 PM

Hitlerbook

It’s time I reiterated one basic fact about Facebook.  Your real name, personal information, and picture of you trying to look more attractive than you actually are, are right fucking there for everyone to see.  So when you create public groups like this one–your mom, me, and anyone else looking to make fun of your dumb ass can easily do so.

Now what’s different about this installment is that this group isn’t necessarily racist, unlike these guys and the Holocaust hoax groups that have been mentioned heavily in the news lately.  But they embody the spirit of racism in their unnecessary caps lock and exclamation marks.  By calling Hitler a homo, the only point you make is it that you hate gay people, or at the very least are just too stupid to realize what you’re typing.  So my advice is to delete this 126 member group and start fresh with one called “LET’S HAVE AN INTELLIGENT DEBATE ON THE ETHICAL AND MORAL IMPLICATIONS OF ALLOWING OBVIOUSLY RACIST ORGANIZATIONS ON FACEBOOK”.  You can keep your caps lock, but I’m confiscating the exclamation marks.

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Real Men Love Jesus, Ductwork

05/18/09

4:02 PM

hvac
The Internet is home to a great many repositories of knowledge. Among the finest is the HVAC Community Message Board. For those of you unfamiliar with the fancy acronym, it stands for “Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning,” which is an honorable profession practiced by high-school dropouts all over this great nation. We are fortunate to have unrestrained access to this think-tank, so that these proud Americans can enlighten us with one-sided arguments and conservative circle-jerking. Their opinions on President Obama’s speech at Notre Dame are very insightful. And don’t get them started on Science versus God’s Holy Word. Not if you want to live.

Lo, and Jesus spake and saith “Y’all better not take no shit from nobody.”

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Looking For Answers: Back Shaving, Atheists, and Science

05/16/09

8:37 PM

hairy-yahoo-back

There are essentially 3 types of question/response combinations on Yahoo! Answers that always illicit a “What?” (or “wat“) response.  Each combination is very similar but also subtly different.  Observe.

Example 1: The Obvious

My girlfriend insists on shaving her back before going to the beach. Is this worth fighting about?

I don’t think she needs to do this, and I tell her I love her the way she is and she’s being superficial. Then she gets mad at me and says what I think doesn’t matter, she doesn’t want to look like an ape and have people stare at her. Should I just let this go? I feel like she’s doubting how much I care for her.

What?  Your girlfriend has a hairy back.  Either dump her or shave it for her and make a badass sweater.

Hit this for the other 2. CLICK FASTER

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Classic: Turns Out Replacing Lyrics Not Actually Clever

05/15/09

5:51 PM

If it gets the Classic tag you know it’s worth watching.  This is from all the way back in the ’04/’05 era, before women could vote.  It looks like some shit you’d see on public access at 2 a.m., complete with local talent (re: homely girls) and baffling sped up action shots.  It’s amazing how many people think this is the height of cleverness.

It gets extra creepy at 2:10 with the backyard scenes and the Stephen King reference.  There’s just something about Christian rap with Weird Al influences that makes me wanna excommunicate my balls.

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