No, of course he isn’t. But that won’t stop every conspiracy theorist/religious nut with dial-up from presenting the fruits of their G.E.D. research paper. Take this fine piece of investigative journalism, for instance. Now, here’s a guy who understands the importance of exclamation marks. At first, I was turned off by the fact that I couldn’t wrap my mind around his mode of reasoning, or even look at the page without my eyes burning. But now I understand the glorious truth, thanks to the rave review from Ray Martinez, of Miramir, Florida, and the bold, underlined promise that I ‘have never seen anything as detailed as this report.’ Truly this man carries the Message of the Lord.

BONUS! While searching for a scary photo of Barack (Hussein!) Obama, I found this sweet-ass decal, which I trust you will have purchased by the time you finish this sentence you still have time oh shit too late.