An unfortunate consequence of having decent popular songs and music videos is that every unfunny amateur filmmaker and songwriter with unrealistic dreams will eventually try to parody it. It’s Newton’s fourth law of Horrible Decisions. And unfortunately for the world, The Lonely Island’s I’m on a Boat (which is already a goddamn parody) got just a little too popular. So the fourth law kicked in and approximately 35,000 people decided at once to upload their shitty videos to YouTube for all to see. So here’s four, hand-picked, of the fucking absolute most terrible, awkward and cringe-worthy spoofs of I’m on a Boat that you’ll find. (not counting the couch one that Cracked.com already ran into the ground, but that one is pretty bad)
1. I’m on a Bike
Expensive cameras and a couple of vaguely attractive women can’t save this embarrassment. Good thing they went with the shitty imitation auto-tuner instead of the real thing. I was worried the song might start to have some redeemable quality. Finally, for the most baffling coup de grâce imaginable check out the end starting at 3:13 where they take the scariest one of the bunch and run her backwards in slow motion having a wet and disgusting orgasm. Jesus.
It’s time I reiterated one basic fact about Facebook. Your real name, personal information, and picture of you trying to look more attractive than you actually are, are right fucking there for everyone to see. So when you create public groups like this one–FUCK NAZI AND SKINHEAD GROUPS ON HERE TIME TO PISS THEM OFF !!!–your mom, me, and anyone else looking to make fun of your dumb ass can easily do so.
Now what’s different about this installment is that this group isn’t necessarily racist, unlike these guys and the Holocaust hoax groups that have been mentioned heavily in the news lately. But they embody the spirit of racism in their unnecessary caps lock and exclamation marks. By calling Hitler a homo, the only point you make is it that you hate gay people, or at the very least are just too stupid to realize what you’re typing. So my advice is to delete this 126 member group and start fresh with one called “LET’S HAVE AN INTELLIGENT DEBATE ON THE ETHICAL AND MORAL IMPLICATIONS OF ALLOWING OBVIOUSLY RACIST ORGANIZATIONS ON FACEBOOK”. You can keep your caps lock, but I’m confiscating the exclamation marks.
The Internet is home to a great many repositories of knowledge. Among the finest is the HVAC Community Message Board. For those of you unfamiliar with the fancy acronym, it stands for “Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning,” which is an honorable profession practiced by high-school dropouts all over this great nation. We are fortunate to have unrestrained access to this think-tank, so that these proud Americans can enlighten us with one-sided arguments and conservative circle-jerking. Their opinions on President Obama’s speech at Notre Dame are very insightful. And don’t get them started on Science versus God’s Holy Word. Not if you want to live.
Lo, and Jesus spake and saith “Y’all better not take no shit from nobody.”
It’s a slow news week. Just some trumped up fallout about Jeneane Garafalo calling those crazy protesting teabaggers racist. Whatever. So instead I bring you a good measure on what the common Internet man (and sometimes woman) thinks of the definition of racism and what it means in our society. Ok, it’s not a good measure at all. It’s full of hate and ignorance. But it sure is fun to laugh at.
Behold the Wikipedia Talk section for “racism”. A lot of it is people trying to sound way too smart. They’re harmless yet still kind of funny to read, but the good/terrible part starts here. This nice little rant even sneaks in a couple of conspiracy theories about the dreaded Teacher’s Union.
At the same time Black kids are being taught Grievance Entitlement thinking in the schools. That mode teaches kids White people are to blame for the troubles of Black people. This is not supported by the facts, but has been put into the curriculum by the Teachers’ Union.
Yikes. But read on. The ignorance just became stifling. Now I love Wikipedia, but it helps to be reminded every once in a while that these are some of the people editing these articles. It’s surprising that they even bothered to bring it to the attention of the other users instead of just defacing the article itself. Oh wait, that’s right. They’re idiots.
Quite possibly the dumbest/best idea ever hatched was Yahoo! Answers. Every hour thousands of what I can only imagine as rabid hobos naked at a cyber cafe ask hundreds of the most god awful, ill-informed questions and wait for equally naked, rabid hobos across the world to provide an answer. Every now and then we’ll bring you some of the most current and best of these questions and answers as a little reminder of how you should be weeping every night in the shower like I do.
Not since ‘chillax’ have two words describing the same thing been blended together so gracefully. Crimalien has so many things going for it. It’s topical, it sounds sci-fi-ish, it was just used several times by an ignorant racist asshole, and it’s a common tag for insane conservative website Free Republic. I’m sold.
By the way, don’t watch the two guys commenting on the video before and after. They’re kind of awkward and there’s just no need. Listen to Severin’s rant (starts at 0:36) and form your own opinion. But I’ll guarantee you that it’ll be: “what the fuck you’re the primitive you cock”.
