1. I’m on a Bike

Expensive cameras and a couple of vaguely attractive women can’t save this embarrassment.  Good thing they went with the shitty imitation auto-tuner instead of the real thing.  I was worried the song might start to have some redeemable quality.  Finally, for the most baffling coup de grâce imaginable check out the end starting at 3:13 where they take the scariest one of the bunch and run her backwards in slow motion having a wet and disgusting orgasm.  Jesus.

2. I’m at the Zoo

This is the nerdiest and lowest quality one I could find.  It’s basically just a list of a bunch of things you’d find at a zoo accompanied with Google images of them having sex or just sitting there being extra boring.  Bonus features include the whitest guy alive trying desperately to rap and a tasteful photo of bear shit.

3. We on a Plane

These guys get extra points for not even trying.  Their video is just a single shot of a plane, sung over with only a passing resemblance to the source material.  Lucky for us they write out every single lyric in those stupid YouTube caption bubble things that they should never have come out with.  So we see and hear every “motherfucker” in brilliant clarity.  Thanks, guys.  You’re so good at this.

4. I’m on a Boat – Underground Version

I wasn’t going to include this one until I realized that they actually have a guy in black face and then even made a response video to their own video trying to prove they aren’t racist in a painfully unclever way.  This is the kind of embarrassing shit that allows me to get past my own crippling social awkwardness.  So I guess in the end it all works out.  Well, not really.  After hearing “I’m on a Boat/Horse/Penis/Door Handle/etc” three hundred times in one day, I have to go blow my brains out.

It’s time I reiterated one basic fact about Facebook.  Your real name, personal information, and picture of you trying to look more attractive than you actually are, are right fucking there for everyone to see.  So when you create public groups like this one–FUCK NAZI AND SKINHEAD GROUPS ON HERE TIME TO PISS THEM OFF !!!–your mom, me, and anyone else looking to make fun of your dumb ass can easily do so.

Now what’s different about this installment is that this group isn’t necessarily racist, unlike these guys and the Holocaust hoax groups that have been mentioned heavily in the news lately.  But they embody the spirit of racism in their unnecessary caps lock and exclamation marks.  By calling Hitler a homo, the only point you make is it that you hate gay people, or at the very least are just too stupid to realize what you’re typing.  So my advice is to delete this 126 member group and start fresh with one called “LET’S HAVE AN INTELLIGENT DEBATE ON THE ETHICAL AND MORAL IMPLICATIONS OF ALLOWING OBVIOUSLY RACIST ORGANIZATIONS ON FACEBOOK”.  You can keep your caps lock, but I’m confiscating the exclamation marks.

Lo, and Jesus spake and saith “Y’all better not take no shit from nobody.”

It’s a slow news week.  Just some trumped up fallout about Jeneane Garafalo calling those crazy protesting teabaggers racist.  Whatever.  So instead I bring you a good measure on what the common Internet man (and sometimes woman) thinks of the definition of racism and what it means in our society.  Ok, it’s not a good measure at all.  It’s full of hate and ignorance.  But it sure is fun to laugh at.

Behold the Wikipedia Talk section for “racism”.  A lot of it is people trying to sound way too smart.  They’re harmless yet still kind of funny to read, but the good/terrible part starts here.  This nice little rant even sneaks in a couple of conspiracy theories about the dreaded Teacher’s Union.

At the same time Black kids are being taught Grievance Entitlement thinking in the schools. That mode teaches kids White people are to blame for the troubles of Black people. This is not supported by the facts, but has been put into the curriculum by the Teachers’ Union.

Yikes.  But read on.  The ignorance just became stifling.  Now I love Wikipedia, but it helps to be reminded every once in a while that these are some of the people editing these articles.  It’s surprising that they even bothered to bring it to the attention of the other users instead of just defacing the article itself.  Oh wait, that’s right.  They’re idiots.

Quite possibly the dumbest/best idea ever hatched was Yahoo! Answers.  Every hour thousands of what I can only imagine as rabid hobos naked at a cyber cafe ask hundreds of the most god awful, ill-informed questions and wait for equally naked, rabid hobos across the world to provide an answer.  Every now and then we’ll bring you some of the most current and best of these questions and answers as a little reminder of how you should be weeping every night in the shower like I do.

Do muslims believe in the Pharaoh? (Ancient Egyptians)?

I am taking an RE exam, and have recieved numerous informations, telling me they do. I just need to confirm this idea.

I can’t believe you’re so stupid, AnotherOne. Information doesn’t need an ’s’.  Fuck.

Why is that the wealthy people kill there family members but the poor people dont?

lately all i have been hearing is the wealthy people commiting suicide and killing each other because they need money. but the poor people dont kill each other they love there family and they stick together.

Wealthy people hire poor people to kill their family members.  So technically it’s the poor people that are doing the killing.  Don’t you look foolish.

Why are mixed raced people more well behaved than African Americans most of the time?

It seems like whenever there is somebody that speaks proper english, dresses and walks normally and somebody you can have an intelligent conversation with, they are always mixed race or have at least 1 white grandparent.

(Intelligent and relevant answers only.)

This best part of this blatant racism is the ending in parathenses.  Like that’s ever going to happen on Yahoo! Answers, asshole.

Not since ‘chillax’ have two words describing the same thing been blended together so gracefully.  Crimalien has so many things going for it.  It’s topical, it sounds sci-fi-ish, it was just used several times by an ignorant racist asshole, and it’s a common tag for insane conservative website Free Republic.  I’m sold.

By the way, don’t watch the two guys commenting on the video before and after.  They’re kind of awkward and there’s just no need.  Listen to Severin’s rant (starts at 0:36) and form your own opinion.  But I’ll guarantee you that it’ll be: “what the fuck you’re the primitive you cock”.