What really convinced me that these people were on to something were the charts and diagrams. They had one about the “Mechanisms of Prayer” that was so true I couldn’t even understand it. And they have percent signs on everything; it’s all very scientific. But it wasn’t until I saw this image that I became a true believer:

That’s when I understood how powerful all this quantifying could be. That single image answers the questions I’ve been struggling with all my life. All those people who die horrible deaths while praying for help? Or those parents who have to bury their children? Probably prayed at too acute or obtuse of an angle. And it solves the mystery of “Why won’t God heal amputees?” At least the poor bastards with missing arms. Or hands. Or fingers.

Lo, and Jesus spake and saith “Y’all better not take no shit from nobody.”

There are essentially 3 types of question/response combinations on Yahoo! Answers that always illicit a “What?” (or “wat“) response.  Each combination is very similar but also subtly different.  Observe.

Example 1: The Obvious

My girlfriend insists on shaving her back before going to the beach. Is this worth fighting about?

I don’t think she needs to do this, and I tell her I love her the way she is and she’s being superficial. Then she gets mad at me and says what I think doesn’t matter, she doesn’t want to look like an ape and have people stare at her. Should I just let this go? I feel like she’s doubting how much I care for her.

What?  Your girlfriend has a hairy back.  Either dump her or shave it for her and make a badass sweater.

Example 2: The Baffled

Are atheist really proper grammar freaks?

it’s getting annoying! haha…If you want to teach English class then go teach it to people who CARES, but don’t expect any Christian like me, to take your advice.

What? How do you come up with a question like this?  Do you really want this answered? Is this some kind of argument against atheism?  How did you manage to spell grammar right?  Why do you… what’s the… wh… ugh.

Example 3: The Silence

It science has the answer to everything why do people still die?

… (what?)

The democratic system of government excels by allowing differing opinions to compete on a level playing field. The drawback of this evenhandedness is that, apparently, some people never learn to distinguish their opinions from facts. Even worse is that these people are allowed to join forces on the Internet and gain strength, but not intelligence, in numbers. Take this article from Gizmodo, for example. This is what happens when people stop accepting that, for their opinions to be taken seriously, they must be corroborated by evidence. I am not just talking about the backwoods-assed adults in charge of the Texas school system having thrown out objectivity in favor of their personal beliefs. Turn your attention to the comments on the article. As you scan the hundreds of comments and replies, count the number of times it is asserted that all opinions are equal. Count the people that take advantage of the misuse of the word ‘theory’.

An equally idiotic (and harmful) instance of this logic is attested to by the fact that Jenny McCarthy has been granted her own talk show. For those of you not familiar with her work in Playboy and other peer-reviewed journals, she is the latest in a string of scientific illiterates using their celebrity to promote half-baked opinions on medicine as if they were fact. Her specific vendetta is against the vaccination of children, which she has decided causes autism. She bases this on her unquestionable experiences as a mother, and out-of-date arguments about Thimerosal. It seems that all it takes for people to continue thinking their reasoning is based in science is for enough people to agree with them.

To those who would argue “Well, science is always being rewritten, and scientists laugh at new theories so they won’t have to accept them,” I have an exercise for you. Compare this example of new age feel goodery with this proposition that would equally upset the scientific establishment. And hell, while you’re at it, compare this and this.