An unfortunate consequence of having decent popular songs and music videos is that every unfunny amateur filmmaker and songwriter with unrealistic dreams will eventually try to parody it. It’s Newton’s fourth law of Horrible Decisions. And unfortunately for the world, The Lonely Island’s I’m on a Boat (which is already a goddamn parody) got just a little too popular. So the fourth law kicked in and approximately 35,000 people decided at once to upload their shitty videos to YouTube for all to see. So here’s four, hand-picked, of the fucking absolute most terrible, awkward and cringe-worthy spoofs of I’m on a Boat that you’ll find. (not counting the couch one that Cracked.com already ran into the ground, but that one is pretty bad)
1. I’m on a Bike
Expensive cameras and a couple of vaguely attractive women can’t save this embarrassment. Good thing they went with the shitty imitation auto-tuner instead of the real thing. I was worried the song might start to have some redeemable quality. Finally, for the most baffling coup de grâce imaginable check out the end starting at 3:13 where they take the scariest one of the bunch and run her backwards in slow motion having a wet and disgusting orgasm. Jesus.
I’m all about pre-marital online sex. The more disgusting teenagers virtually groping each other the better. So you can imagine my outrage when I was linked to this local Atlanta news article explaining the ins and outs of what is essentially sexting. How dare they blow these poor kid’s cover and give parents everywhere an excuse to go through their phones and chat logs.
Then my outrage quickly turned into glee as I got to number 10 on the list. And it only got more hilarious from there. Are you FOL like me? Well FMLTWIA and try not to be disappointed when you see that I’m Q2C and—oh, shit! PAW and J/O! About 80% of these are just ridiculous and made up. Plus I’m really surprised to see the word “cum” and the phrase “is it tight?” on their site. And if anyone actually uses these they’ll just make up new ones now.
Some suggestions:
LWGGADA — Let’s Watch Golden Girls And Do Anal
HMOS — Hollow Me Out, Sailor
RUAADBOTI…N — Are You Actually A Dude? Because One Time I… Nevermind
Just when you thought text messaging was ubiquitous enough to just fucking do without worrying, a site like Flirtexting.com shows up to teach girls (never women) how to set the gender back a few decades. The site reads like the sorority version of those sword infomercials where the rednecks always end up cutting their penis off.
By adding “Flir” to every word imaginable, Deb and Liv, the creators of the site, blog, and of course self-help book, would love to sucker any young girl gullible enough to buy advice common sense should already be taking care of. And of course, knowing America, this shit will be Oprah’s book of the month and on every self-professed 21st century girl’s bookshelf in 5 years. It’s already hit CNN in the form of a colossally flirtarded question and answer session. Here’s a little sample:
CNN: What abbreviations would you need to know in order to flirt over text messages?
Debra: We say, “If you don’t wanna date, abbreviate.” Too many abbreviations is a turn off, so be very careful. If you don’t have to abbreviate, then don’t. For “OK,” you can write the letter “k,” and for “are” you can write the letter “r,”
As you can see, this is can’t miss advice. Cell phone holographic projection can’t get here fast enough. Then the ladies will have to rely on their looks again instead of words, like the Lord Almighty intended.
The pop culture every-day geniuses that power Wikipedia have this little forum behind the scenes that they use to debate whether or not certain sentences are biased, non-informative, or written by someone other than them. Just navigate to any wiki page and click on the link at the top called “discussion” to stimulate potential pretentious hilarity.
Most of the time the debate on the discussion page is pretty lame. Grammar and vandal fixes abound. But every now and then a topic comes along that generates some really… special back and forth from some really… fancy people. Especially note the ignorance deftly masked with subtlety. You won’t find that in most forums. And then there are the topics with discussion that’s serious and profound, except for the fact that what all the talk is about is the stupidest fucking thing in existence.
Here are five such articles that make you go “Just stop.”
