What really convinced me that these people were on to something were the charts and diagrams. They had one about the “Mechanisms of Prayer” that was so true I couldn’t even understand it. And they have percent signs on everything; it’s all very scientific. But it wasn’t until I saw this image that I became a true believer:

That’s when I understood how powerful all this quantifying could be. That single image answers the questions I’ve been struggling with all my life. All those people who die horrible deaths while praying for help? Or those parents who have to bury their children? Probably prayed at too acute or obtuse of an angle. And it solves the mystery of “Why won’t God heal amputees?” At least the poor bastards with missing arms. Or hands. Or fingers.

Remember Geocities?  And Angelfire?  And Tripod?  Did you think the days of seizure-inducing personal homepage atrocities were dying with Myspace?  Well you’re as wrong as you’ve ever been.  Because those halcyon days of embarrassment are still forever declining in the form of Piczo. It’s been around for a little while but luckily I hadn’t heard about it until a couple months ago.  This post is for those of you who are still like I was back then.  I’m jealous of you and I must share my suffering.

Piczo is nowhere near as massive as Facebook or Twitter but it’s still got thousands and thousands of users.  It’s just so baffling how the people that create these pages make it through life.  What goes through their heads that tells them it’s acceptable to design this or this?  And don’t think that these are just exceptionally bad ones that I searched and searched for.  It took me 30 seconds to find both just randomly clicking around.  Every goddamn profile page on the site is that bad.  There’s just too much to ridicule, it’s overwhelming me.  So just click right here and let the sparkling butterflies and Katy Perry songs guide you through Internet purgatory.  Feel free to post your best findings in the comments section.

Just when you thought text messaging was ubiquitous enough to just fucking do without worrying, a site like Flirtexting.com shows up to teach girls (never women) how to set the gender back a few decades.  The site reads like the sorority version of those sword infomercials where the rednecks always end up cutting their penis off.

By adding “Flir” to every word imaginable, Deb and Liv, the creators of the site, blog, and of course self-help book, would love to sucker any young girl gullible enough to buy advice common sense should already be taking care of.  And of course, knowing America, this shit will be Oprah’s book of the month and on every self-professed 21st century girl’s bookshelf in 5 years.  It’s already hit CNN in the form of a colossally flirtarded question and answer session.  Here’s a little sample:

CNN: What abbreviations would you need to know in order to flirt over text messages?

Debra: We say, “If you don’t wanna date, abbreviate.” Too many abbreviations is a turn off, so be very careful. If you don’t have to abbreviate, then don’t. For “OK,” you can write the letter “k,” and for “are” you can write the letter “r,”

As you can see, this is can’t miss advice.  Cell phone holographic projection can’t get here fast enough.  Then the ladies will have to rely on their looks again instead of words, like the Lord Almighty intended.